Two times in a week!

I went snowboarding two times in week's worth of time! That's pretty incredible considering the resources my family and I have to pay for both the rental(we don't own snowboards) and the tickets for both me and my brother. Unfortunately (at times) and gladly (at times) I must snowboard with my brother because going up the slopes is such a rare occasion for the Asian family. Well, it's not so uncommon for Asian-Americans but Asians tend to regard this matter of snowboard riding as a once-per-winter thing, which I wholeheartedly disagree with. Snowboarding is wayy too fun to happen only once per year!

Anyways, it was pretty awesome. We (and my cousin who is a surprisingly good snowboarder) went to Steven's Pass. I slept about 4 hours give or take the time spent on a new iPod app, because I was too excited! Well, we got there, and we saw just a okay-for-the-weekend crowd of people. The last time I went (which was on Thursday of last week), it was probably half, maybe less. I was a little pissed off considering the irritated, sleepless state I was in, but the presence of the crowd with its excited murmurs and snow-related comments made the adrenaline flow even more.

We went up after about 30 minutes of get-ready-go. Curiously, my cousin was appalled by the fact that nobody used the safety bars on the ski lifts. I actually don't know if it's just the Pacific Northwest or a universal ski tradition. Does anyone know? =P Well, the whole thing was pretty funny because despite the mountain being much less groomed and more steeper than the ski mountains in Korea, my cousin said the ski lifts were the most frightening. I kind of understand where he's coming from, especially I came home and found this article in my latest headlines. Pray for Powder! So you don't lose your bum if you happen to fall from a ski lift. Ouaaaaa! I get goosebumps from just thinking about it.

After the lift though, I found myself considerably out of shape. I had done no physical activity since the last time I snowboarded 5 days ago, and my quads were hating on me like teenage guys on Justin Bieber. It was soo painful and I'm sure my bottom also cursed me a few times. Going down all Blues (go to the middle of the article) on the first run was a bad idea for a 6-time snowboarder. Sleep-deprived, jittery, newly scared of falling down ski lifts, I was completely energy-spent on the first hill. I had to rest at least 3 times for the entire run, which was about a mile or so long. I have never felt so old in my life. I sheepishly looked at young kids roaring down the hills while I rested my long-spent body.

Well, it turned out a little bit of energy in the form of DELICIOUS, HOT food was just the solution. A bacon cheeseburger with the best curly fries (it looked better than this) in the entire Pacific Northwest (food always tastes good after physical exertion) for 10 bucks! Sold.

Afterwards, I decided I was energized enough to try Mill's Valley, the backside of the pass. It was pretty easy after the curly fries. My cousin hated it because it wasn't groomed lol. I loved it. I actually like bumps, but only if there's some slush or better yet, powder on top. Bumps are small tests the mountain gives you to see if you're actually good at the board and at balance. Sometimes, you get air! So I went down and I decide, hey that wasn't so bad. On to the Southern Cross Chair. Experts hill? No problem. I take my unsure brother and cousin with me and I didn't realize the chair was so long!!! It took an eon to get up and the elevation increase was about 100000 feet. The entire face was triple black. Talk about pain in the butt

One nice thing about getting down was that nobody had gone there before, so it was powder for some of the runs. Very bumpy though (hehe).

Near the end, I had this one awkward ski lift with two other college-age girls. They seemed quite nice and all, but I didn't want to talk and they had their own conversation but by the end, the silence was quite loud. I tend to become very quiet when I don't have enough sleep or if I'm irritated and this situation had the worst timing. To make it worse, I fell down possibly in the worst possible way on the landing pad. When you snowboard and ride a lift, you have your non-prominent foot loose from the bindings and the landing is always a bit of a nuance. Well, the pad was bit too steep, and my right foot(non-prominent) got loose, my snowboard slipped backwards and I ended up eating the ice. Ugh. Some shy, over-grown 8th grader in a WSU jacket. Haha, or maybe the WSU threw them off?

All this writing --> practice for my non-started, non-existent story

Last blog post for a while

Sometimes Asians say their school year and summer break is reversed. In other words, school is so easy and relaxed compared to the loads and loads of summer classes, homework and volunteering their parents make them do. I'm right on par with them, except it's happening now, during winter break. I don't think I've ever procrastinated this much in my life...=( well, no, I once spent an all-nighter for a 2000 word essay due the next day, but that was only one project. Pshh

So, the things I need to get done by the end of next weekend.

University of Michigan supplement (two short essays)
University of Chicago supplement (two required essays, one optional essay which I probably won't do)
Chinese lyrics poster
Story draft for ENG 237
Another essay for ENG 237
Notes for AP Env. Sci.
last but not least, RSG daily study guides....for chapters Matthew, Mark and Luke. haha...I can see my serving ones shaking their heads.

So yep, 7 full and adequately hard projects to do over 7 days. Except, the college essays should be done by this weekend so my mother will take me snowboarding, which I REALLY want to do.Seeya guys, or as my good friend M likes to say, toodles!

*Edit*

I will probably be taking breaks by watching this match on ESPN3 replay.

What the poop?

Some Chinese phone manufacturers copy other cell phones...this one company tried to copy "oppo". Lol

Do you rike foole yerrow or haf?

^ Lol my win at being asian.

So I had dinner yesterday with some church family friends. We ate at Yea's Wok in Coal Creek. The dad of the other family (than my own) had been there a lot so he ordered dishes for all eight of us. I think we got either Kung Pao or Sweet and Sour chicken, I don't remember, but it was the best chicken I've ever eaten in the U.S. KFC doesn't come even close. Eating it reminded me of the delicious, never-to-be-forgotten Korean food - the yangnyum chicken. I could go forever and a half about how delectable and heart-warmingly delicious this yangnyum(which is the romanticized word for "spiced" and "seasoned" in Korean) chicken is, but I'll stop myself for the sake of keeping to the original topic. =P

Well, my original topic isn't so clearly stated (if you actually understood and comprehended what I was trying to say in my title, good job!! I was trying to say "Do you like full yellow or half?" in very badly translated Asian-english). I was actually getting at something interesting that came up during tea-time after the nice dinner. We were having coffee(oops, not tea) and coco(for the anti-caffeine young'uns) and I think we were comparing my childhood to my family friends' child. Child H isn't exactly a child - he's almost nearing 30. Anyways, we were talking about how much has changed for Asians living in the U.S. over the last 20 years. Back then, Asians were still not a standing and large minority as it is now (for some schools in my school district like Tyee Middle School, it's nearly 50%!!!). They were no cool Asian internet celebrities like Ryan Higa and even though Jackie Chan and other asian movie actors were on the rise, they didn't inhibit a normal presence in the America. Today, there's an Asian girl and guy in the wildly popular show Glee who can speak English well and are considered "American". I guess 20 years ago, Asians were still in the process of becoming integrated into the American society.

So, I asked H what it was like for him to grow up in a different environment than I grew up in. Then, we realized that he was born in the U.S., not in Korea, and I was born in Korea and spent half my life there. Oops!

Then H's mom said something that I found really interesting. She said that Koreans born in America are different than Koreans born in Korea. Even if the latter only spent 2 years after birth in Korea, she said there's still a little bit of a difference. It's very subtle but it is definite.

I thought about it for a while and I agreed with her for the most part. After I moved to Bellevue from Portland I really started to see the difference between just-arrived Asians and American-born-and-raised Asians. In Portland, I wasn't really aware of my Asian heritage because nobody really cared, especially me. When I moved up here, I began to look at myself and saw that I was stuck right in between the immigrated and Americanized Asians. I had spent just enough time in the states to be half Korean, if that makes sense. The way I dress is fully American, partially because my family doesn't pay lots of attention to fashion. The way I think and behave is becoming more Americanized, which is more relaxed and "cool" than the way Koreans act and think. Koreans are really expressive and like having close friendships. Americans with their individualistic values tend to keep to themselves, even among close friends. It's changing now as the typical "American" grows to include more and more types of people, and the Korean culture is becoming westernized. But still, I can see myself switching to the cool, individualistic personality at times. It's a little bit weird when I become self-conscious about it because then, I can choose to be either Korean or American in different situations.

I'm sure I'm not the only one here. Plenty of people I know moved here after being born in another country. I've seen them become Americanized and now, I don't know who they were before the transformation took place. Will this Korean-born heritage stick with me during my entire life? It's a question I can only answer long, looong down the road =)

I.

I am an athlete. Flick of the wrist, that’s my specialty. Be it a disc, a racket, a basketball, a baseball, I can do it all. Other than tennis, I have that special ability to connect with my receiver, understand his capabilities, and make the ball or disc float to the spot. People say wow when they see how much momentum I can generate with a simple flick. Some say it’s not impressive. It is, considering I haven’t worked on my ability like some people have. I picked up a frisbee, got inspired and threw it quite a bit. In less than a week, I was throwing 30, 40, 50 yards. I just knew how to spin it just right so it would land in the hands of the receiver and time the descent. I got a lot of praise and I was pleased.
The real intent behind me posting this is to give you the message. I gave up frisbee because it wasn’t big and I was good at it already. But I was discouraged to find that I was average in a high school team I joined. Talent doesn’t win games. Hard work does. And hard work comes with passion. Without passion, you get nowhere. I got a lot of praise and I was pleased, but I stopped there. What’s the point in that? It’s like a finding something you’re good at and giving it up because you’re lazy. Don’t give it up. Don’t undermine the talent you have. I assure you, any talent you have is a potential seed for something you can’t imagine.
When I started playing tennis, nobody expected me to be good. I was a scrawny kid with tiny shoulders and a big head to boot. I was bouncy and hyper, not a good combination for a good tennis player. I now play varsity in one of the top tennis teams in the state. We improved from one of the worst to a contender for the state title. But, my progress got limited by a rigorous educational course I enrolled in. Even then, I made excuses to not play tennis. I have homework, I have a project, my study group’s expecting so much, I got church, I’m tired. I regret it, but now I know. Don’t let people think hard work is for losers - they’re weighing you down. You’re not living your life. That’s what people who don’t have talent say. They say balance. I say passion.
The people I admire are people who follow their passion. They know what they’re searching for and they know the sacrifices they make. Others around them might dismiss him as insane, anti-social, weird, imbalanced, but the truth is - no one has their life completely figured out. Shit happens.

=)

I'm the kind of guy who likes hard-working, modest, bubbly, and honest people. Since I pay so much attention to these qualities in people, I became so sensitive to people in regard to these qualities....I just know when someone is truly hard-working or if they're a lazy butt....or if they're acting modest or ACTUALLY humble, or if they're truly honest or being down-to-earth just to appear honest. I get disgusted at people who are lazy but is all talk...sometimes I just wish I can shut them up with gorilla superglue, but sadly I neither have gorilla superglue in my pocket when I want it nor am I that mean to do it to them...I love people who are down-to-earth and are honest...and cheery. I hate puffing things up and getting way too caught up in expectations. I like things simple. It's just so demanding to talk with people who aren't down-to-earth. Ugh

Ahh completely random post! hooray

Step Back.

Not to sound arrogant, but I'm always looking at ways to improve myself. It's more negative than positive because I don't usually correct my faults. I end up going to bed thinking "What could I have done today?" instead of "Wow, I did all that? Good job John!". Hence the reason for all my gray hairs at such a premature age.

Well, to make myself feel better for not working on the AP Statistics Problem, I looked up a person whom I thought acted in a movie, the name of which I can't remember. I randomly guessed that to be Tom Hanks - he wasn't the specific actor I was thinking of, but I read his biography anyway. (Just FYI, autobiographies and biographies are always more interesting than fiction. Human life trumps imagination anyday). Like many great people in the world, Tom grew up in abnormal situations. His parents were divorced and he moved around a lot. He wasn't popular in school and instead of focusing on his studies, he watched film.

I'm the type of person who wouldn't do something without seeing a vision behind it. Of course, I am impulsive, but I'm often pensive about where my life is going. I'm scared. I'm frightened. I don't know who I'm going to be and how I will behave myself in whatever situation. Even if I am successful, I'm paranoid about my status. I have a feeling if I become CEO, I'll quit in a week because I just can't deal with the stress. Stuff like that runs through my head and I can't help but wonder how to great people become great and keep doing great stuff?

It's all about passion. Tom didn't really care about popularity in high school. He loved to watch film so he watched film. When the time came, he went into acting, and through connections, landed in an acting job. I kind of expect my life to play out like that. First, I would find what I love to do. Second, I'd keep doing it no matter what people say. Third, by some stroke of luck I'll land a job or a position. Fourth, by then I'll love what I do so much that I'll spend all my energy on it. Fifth, I'll become an expert and then I'll be considered great.

Of course, life doesn't play that way. You have to fight against desires and balance your life. Often, these great people sacrifice a significant portion of their life to what they love - even family, friends, and money. For me, I'd like to experience that. At 17, I haven't got much to lose. I actually am not pleased with how I'm handling things. In my family, I'm the one who is irresponsible, rebellious, and unconventional. All my friends and family consider me a child, or something other that doesn't deserve respect. I don't give myself respect - often I indulge and I spend. I give myself an excuse - that in good time, all this "wasted" time will add up to something great. But for a while now, I'm slowly realizing that I need to be productive and I actually need to try to become something great. Nothing should be so easy - I hardly spend my energy in homework. Barely on tests. Friends and socializing? Meh, I'm too shy and down-to-earth anyways. Tennis - well, tennis is one of the things I try hard in. But even that becomes childplay sometimes.

When I feel depressed, I keep telling myself, "you burnt yourself out during your childhood". To a certain extent, I did - my schedule from elementary to middle school was 1) school 2) homework 3) home. I admit, the coursework was hard and until 7th grade I spent all my energy on it. But, as the peer pressure caved in, I ended up indulging in games and whatnot. I wanted to experience what was on the other side of the wall. Experience is good, but it won't get you success.

So I guess a summary of all I've written so far is that I'm a crisis. Should I go for the experience or should I shoot for success? I've done both and both have their benefits. Success will get you attention, respect from all those around you, popularity, and a sense of accomplishment. Experience will surprise you and teach you. Maybe down the road, experience might become useful. By the end, experience will be the stronghold for appreciation.

Darn it.

I wish to say....

Dude, you're always there and you are really a kind dude. You take everything in and is naturally cool about everything. You don't judge, just hints at me if I'm doing something totally uncool. You have an insanely insane sense of humor and the physical expressions to express who you really are. I applause your courage to go for what you love and truly step out of way to follow your passion. You're super patient, cool, and funny. I admire you most of the time.

Kind of like the guy above, except I know in the inside you're really a girl. You have a man's body (the buffest I can think of), but the way you talk and how you exaggerate every emotion tells me you secretly are a girl. You follow your passions or infatuations =) with a burning intensity and you really don't care what people think as long as you like it. I admire that about you.

Although we hang out a lot and we've had deep conversations, I really don't feel comfortable around you. I get the sense that you're looking for a friend but it really feels like you're just trying to get on me. Whenever I happen to look around the classroom, you glance over and something about your eyes make me feel pressured. It's like you expect something that I don't have. The way you talk makes me feel you want to be cool and sound like the popular people. But you're really not, so why not embrace your true self?

You take everything with grace. Everything you do seems natural and nothing is forced. I admire your loyalty to friends even when they don't seem all good and especially when they're having a bad time. You're like a mother, except a little more independent. I really wish I just got over myself and got to know you better, but I think I'm too dreamy and stuck-up as of the moment. I hope to meet again in the future!

Dude, you are the sensitive giant. You can't bear it when people don't laugh at your jokes and you feel best when everyone's outwardly laughing and having a good time. Sometimes you can get a little carried away (I mean, you're like 6 2 dude, every movement is exaggerated for you) but mostly you're always there.You know when to work and when to mess around. You're a good brother to your younger brother and I think you're a good guy.

I really admire your ability to understand my culture. It's not even your native culture but you understand like everything! We once had a fierce love for the music of my culture (sorry I lost interest!), and it was awesome to know what each other were humming in class. You are a good good friend.

Your humor and your personality cracks me up. I've never heard such humor before and when your face lights up its really does. You relate stuff to stuff I've never heard of and it's like I'm being enlightened. You really are cool about everything, you take everything with a grain of salt and it's never discouraging to be around you. Thanks man. You'll probably be playing that Starcraft game, but whatever.

We just understand each other! You're more sensitive than I am but we go through the same stuff. It's amazing how most of the stuff we notice are almost the same things. Beyond the rap and black music culture you surround yourself with, I know you're a kind guy. Sometimes, I wish you'd show a little bit of that, but still you're awesome.

You are the hyung I never had. At first, it was annoying and bu-dam-seu-ruh-wut-suh to have you put your arm around me at church but it turned out I could depend on you for almost anything. You've changed so much in the last few years! I'm really glad you are who you are now.

Dude, I love you. Other than an amazing soccer season and exciting times at math club, I'm really surprised at how you grew up. The only right thing to say seems to be Dude, I love you.

Narcissism? Exactly the Opposite

Writing a blog about useless stuff at 12:28 AM instead of doing my extra credit writing assignment is not too wise, but to hell with wisdom. Oscar Wilde once said, "disobedience, in the eyes of any one who has read history, is man's original virtue. It is through disobedience that progress has been made, through disobedience and through rebellion." I intend to take that as far as possible without violating my core principles.

So, when people say that "person's so full of himself", that "person really needs to tone it down", or "wow, fuck that douchebag", it is believed that the victim of these words are really narcissistic, meaning they are in love with themselves. Well, I'd like to reverse the thought that say those who are speaking are full of themselves. Usually, these kind of comments are heard in the hallways of high school, which I am in the senior year of, and it's a common thing to say. I have one specific friend who I always used to think, "that guy is a total durche" or "if I could punch him, I would punch him so hard I'll punch through his brains". He's a good friend but he is one self-loving animal. Nothing can discourage his ego nor his pride in every aspect of himself. But, as I reached the final year of this secondary educational experiment, I realized that I was just being too full of myself. 

I realized that I was hating on egotistic people because I was jealous. I wanted to be sure of myself and I wanted to be proud. But at the same time, I didn't want to lose my core belief in modesty. But as it seemed in high school, modesty wasn't the way you got popular and social. To be social, you need a particular personality, and with that personality comes a certain amount of self-love. I really was jealous of how he emphasized his positive attributes and ignored what people said of his ego.

Now, I'm not being hypocritical or counter-logical. I don't mean that the victim of the aforementioned phrases ("that person's so full of himself") aren't necessarily narcissistic. I just like to focus on the speaker, who I would like to clarify tends to be narcissistic. 

Okay, so back to me and this one dude. I realized I really was just in love with myself and my values. I was too proud being modest, and too proud of me being the anti-ego person that I was actually hating on the guy. If I truly was not in love with myself, I would probably have ignored him. Who really cares if a guy is narcissistic? In truth, I was being too proud and him, well I think he was being a socialite. I wanted to be like him, and I hated that he was able to be self-loving without succumbing to nasty looks around him.

Well, that whole story wasn't supposed to be told. I actually wanted to discuss how humans dislike other humans that possess similar characteristics. But I guess that isn't being narcissistic, just competitive.

Tennis

Tennis has been my passion for my entire life. It's a sport that changed so much in the past two, really one decade. Those short shorts are long gone, wooden rackets have become carbon, titanium, graphite, or what have you, and its not much of a loser sport anymore. 40 years ago, it was considered a sport for people weren't coordinated or athletic enough. Now, to be above average, you have to have excellent coordination, relatively excellent fitness, above-average balance, pin-point concentration, and more agility than what you require in football. Anybody can throw a football, bounce a basketball, kick a soccer ball. Hitting an apple-sized yellow fuzzball with a racquet and getting it over a net waist-high is harder than it seems. It still is a pretty conservative sport - meaning that its athletes don't have tattoos all over their body, get arrested for dog fighting, don't cheat on their wives with 13 other women, and betray their hometown to join up with other big players in Miami. It's really one of the few sports that live up to the reputation as classy and suave. Well, it does have the raw intensity people look for - Rafael Nadal. To me, tennis players are how people should be. They have a balanced life and they don't lose their head. They know what they're doing and they enjoy it.

Bruce Jenner injured his knee playing high school football. Then he won the gold medal at the 1976 Olympics

"If you want to take your mission in life
to the next level, if youre stuck and
you dont know how to rise, dont
look outside yourself. Look inside."

For a long time, I've been wondering why I am here and why I deserve a lot of the things I get. That long time was a good 2 years, 2 years in high school I could have spent much more wisely establishing a foundation for my life. For those two years, I did what a lot of my friends did - I went exploring, reading, watching, talking, laughing. Everything was so new, as they should have been, and I thought I was having the time of my life. And then, I turned around (physically) and saw my own brother looking at me like I just wasted a good chunk of my life. I turned back around (physically) and saw where I was. The familiar blue screen greeted me back to its web of complex social interactions where everything in the real society, I could experience there - Facebook. That's when I realized, Mark Zuckerberg is a child of the internet devil. He knew how addictive this Faithbook could be, as if it was the bible of my social life. Well, I realized my actual, real life was crumbling to pieces and I wasn't happy with myself. Other sites, like Youtube, MSN Messenger (not technically a website but a potential BIG time waster nonetheless), and other sites I cannot site due to viewers like you corrupting your minds until the point of no repair. I like to think I haven't reached that point yet, but I know I'm awfully close.

Thus, I quit Facebook. Well, I quit for a month and logged back in because so many of my contacts had no other convenient (*cough*) way to contact me than through Fb. But, I'm over with the whole addiction thing, and it's not a bother anymore. Youtube still will take time and so will my other "subscription" sites. And no, not those subscription sites (not entirely). Sites like Wired and Engadget where it's like I subscribed and it's obligatory for me to visit everyday.

So, this internet addiction has been going for about 2 weeks now. I am more energized in my actual life and I am not glued to the computer anymore.

But I still don't feel happy. Often, I'm moody and I'll feel the urge to lash out at my brother, mom, cousin, or whoever stands in my way. For fun, I typed in the question on Yahoo! Q&A (which is actually very useful) : Why am I so moody? It came up with all this bullshit about me (the questionnaire) being a girl in the middle of my PMS. I filtered that junk out and noticed a particular point. Someone said that being moody and angry is a sign that subconsciously I may not be happy with myself and where I am right now.

 I am not happy with the way I handled those 2 years. I blame my wasteful years all on my Mom for enrolling me in a gifted program so I'll be forced to work on the Internet and thereby waste my time also. I am not happy that I am in my parent's basement everyday of the week (almost). I am not happy I think of sick thoughts almost everywhere. I am not happy with almost everything actually.

I realized this has to change. College is next year, so it'll take of the "where". But as Bruce Jenner said, I have to look inside myself to find my next mission. The fact that I wasted 2 years (not completely! I got my IB diploma and I played varsity Tennis all 4 years of high school) doesn't undermine my stand in society. I realized that at no time should a person be so down on himself - there's ALWAYS another chance. Nobody can say anything to you if you're happy. The way to be happy is to be content where you are. Being a business tycoon is NOT necessarily better than being an interstate trucker. Sure, the tycoon may get a lot of respect, but he definitely doesn't have the chance to cross all 50 states of the U.S. and appreciate all he's been through. I'm telling you this because I know an old man who was one of the best athletes in the ABA (forerunner to the NBA), but quit mid-career to become an interstate trucker. He's now one of the happiest men I see around. Respect is all relative. Society is not one general group of people who you have to barely hang on to - no, its the people who you surround yourself to live the most meaningful life you can possibly have. If you're happy where you're at, don't even think about listening to others around you inviting you to that "partaaaayyyy" or that sophisticated "opera" or that "hangout" that smells like weed and pot. It's a bunch of lies because it's something NEW. Sure, you have the right to try new things, but not at the expense of you losing that deep, inner sense of peace and happiness.

All that, I must now point it directly at me and say, you've got to change. It's been a long time I've been sad and disappointed. It's been too long I've glanced at what others are doing and how others act so that they're happy. Hell, most of it's just an act. All I've got to do is appreciate. That's the only way I'll be happy.

Being "Special"

I guess you could call it puberty. Maybe all the anger that's been pent up in me is just slowly letting itself go as of the moment. I think all the guys in the entire world has this "fuck-i-don't-care" and "i-hate-everything" period where basically anything makes him angry. I guess I'm going through the phase and it's so annoying to have friends and parents who expect better of you.

I'm "gifted." It's really a word to describe a group of people who took an aptitude test in 1st grade and were enrolled in "gifted" classes, which really aren't hard. I got into this gifted shit in 8th grade. Oh, before that I was in a gifted program in Oregon. Yea, my parents were hardcore Asian. They still are. I was a straight A student for 5 years. For 3 of those years, all my grades in all classes for all semesters and trimesters were above 100%. When I got my report card, I gladly ran my little ass up to momma and chirped "look at my grades, momma!". Then she would give me chocolate or something to make me feel like I've done something good. I felt content. But I was shielded and protected as a fucking princess. Snow White. In a boy's body.

When I got to sophomore year of high school, I discovered new things like talking with friends and sports. Yea, I didn't know how to have relationship with a person. It was more like hey, you wanna check answers for that math quiz? I'll meet you at math club. Actually I was pretty competitive so it was more like hey, you wanna check answers for that math quiz meaning your score? I'll share my score with you, but only if you gimme the paper first. Anyways yea. The whole socializing and sport thing was pretty competitive for me. As the firstborn, I was given all the attention in the family and I never learned how to hang in the background. I always had to be in the spotlight even if I wasn't funny or good-looking. So, when I started playing soccer and having this whole high-school social ordeal it was like, I have to be the best. I essentially ignored people who were better than me at soccer, and ignored people who were funnier, better looking and nicer than me. Yea, I was happy but I was a stuck-up bitch.

Now, why am I telling you all this? It probably makes you feel better reading someone's life being turned completely upside down. But the truth is, high school makes you do that. I guess it took a harder hit for me. I was raised in a Christian group called the "Lord's Recovery" and it had this whole notion of being "special". My brothers and sisters in the church told me, yes, you have more truth than most other Christians in the entire world. And that gives you a sense of pride, humanly speaking. It's really hard not to feel any pride when you're 12 and you're told you are special, maybe 1 out of 10,000. That pride combined with my status as "gifted" swelled up my pride to the max. I didn't realize what kind of a douchebag I was until really last year. I guess douchebag isn't the right word. Just someone who doesn't know his place in society.

So imagine this. A kid about the size of a bean with narrow shoulders (with a huge head) comes up to you and tries to be nice to you. In high school, the usual reaction is "Dude, go back to elementary school, twerp." But, being super nice as Interlake High School is, people didn't call me anything. Especially in the gifted group, nobody calls each other names (To "gifted" students, the only authority they have is in the world of education. They realize they're socially awkward so they try to be nice to each other. Yea, they're smart, but they have no social awareness at all.).

That small kid is me. I lived under this illusion that I was nice, I was popular and I was good at sports. My parents, my fellow classmates and my church friends all helped build this fake reality around me.

Last year, in my junior year, the bubble popped. And I was fucking angry.

It turns out that I wasn't very popular and I wasn't good at sports. Being nice is a subjective opinion and thus I will refrain from commenting on the matter. But, it was the truth - I was socially awkward, I wasn't too athletic and I wasn't the smartest guy out there. To me, that was a hard hit. I've lived under this illusion for 16 years. To have that world crumble around me is a huge wake up call. I hated my parents for raising me up that way. I really had no childhood because I was always studying, always trying to get ahead. I can remember no special moment where I spent it with a close friend. It was always in a social gathering of "gifted" students that I had fun. There was no reality there. I grew up in the belief that I was special, that I was the best.

But the fact remains, that I am not. To realize that and have no idea what place in society I'm in, it makes me angry. I rather have been socially awkward in middle and the first half of high school and realize which place in society I am in. My brain is burnt out from doing loads and loads of homework.And to think, here comes college. It's like hell.

And being angry in this "gifted" class I'm in now, it's so annoying. They all live in this fake reality. It's complete bullshit. The only confidence that have is in their brain. They get pleasure from being able to talk faster than other people, from being able to trump you with logic and witty comments. Get over yourself. Give people some respect and listen.

Some people are actually gifted and they deserve respect. But for the most part, being "gifted" and "special" doesn't mean anything. We're all human and we're all in this together.