Bruce Jenner injured his knee playing high school football. Then he won the gold medal at the 1976 Olympics

"If you want to take your mission in life
to the next level, if youre stuck and
you dont know how to rise, dont
look outside yourself. Look inside."

For a long time, I've been wondering why I am here and why I deserve a lot of the things I get. That long time was a good 2 years, 2 years in high school I could have spent much more wisely establishing a foundation for my life. For those two years, I did what a lot of my friends did - I went exploring, reading, watching, talking, laughing. Everything was so new, as they should have been, and I thought I was having the time of my life. And then, I turned around (physically) and saw my own brother looking at me like I just wasted a good chunk of my life. I turned back around (physically) and saw where I was. The familiar blue screen greeted me back to its web of complex social interactions where everything in the real society, I could experience there - Facebook. That's when I realized, Mark Zuckerberg is a child of the internet devil. He knew how addictive this Faithbook could be, as if it was the bible of my social life. Well, I realized my actual, real life was crumbling to pieces and I wasn't happy with myself. Other sites, like Youtube, MSN Messenger (not technically a website but a potential BIG time waster nonetheless), and other sites I cannot site due to viewers like you corrupting your minds until the point of no repair. I like to think I haven't reached that point yet, but I know I'm awfully close.

Thus, I quit Facebook. Well, I quit for a month and logged back in because so many of my contacts had no other convenient (*cough*) way to contact me than through Fb. But, I'm over with the whole addiction thing, and it's not a bother anymore. Youtube still will take time and so will my other "subscription" sites. And no, not those subscription sites (not entirely). Sites like Wired and Engadget where it's like I subscribed and it's obligatory for me to visit everyday.

So, this internet addiction has been going for about 2 weeks now. I am more energized in my actual life and I am not glued to the computer anymore.

But I still don't feel happy. Often, I'm moody and I'll feel the urge to lash out at my brother, mom, cousin, or whoever stands in my way. For fun, I typed in the question on Yahoo! Q&A (which is actually very useful) : Why am I so moody? It came up with all this bullshit about me (the questionnaire) being a girl in the middle of my PMS. I filtered that junk out and noticed a particular point. Someone said that being moody and angry is a sign that subconsciously I may not be happy with myself and where I am right now.

 I am not happy with the way I handled those 2 years. I blame my wasteful years all on my Mom for enrolling me in a gifted program so I'll be forced to work on the Internet and thereby waste my time also. I am not happy that I am in my parent's basement everyday of the week (almost). I am not happy I think of sick thoughts almost everywhere. I am not happy with almost everything actually.

I realized this has to change. College is next year, so it'll take of the "where". But as Bruce Jenner said, I have to look inside myself to find my next mission. The fact that I wasted 2 years (not completely! I got my IB diploma and I played varsity Tennis all 4 years of high school) doesn't undermine my stand in society. I realized that at no time should a person be so down on himself - there's ALWAYS another chance. Nobody can say anything to you if you're happy. The way to be happy is to be content where you are. Being a business tycoon is NOT necessarily better than being an interstate trucker. Sure, the tycoon may get a lot of respect, but he definitely doesn't have the chance to cross all 50 states of the U.S. and appreciate all he's been through. I'm telling you this because I know an old man who was one of the best athletes in the ABA (forerunner to the NBA), but quit mid-career to become an interstate trucker. He's now one of the happiest men I see around. Respect is all relative. Society is not one general group of people who you have to barely hang on to - no, its the people who you surround yourself to live the most meaningful life you can possibly have. If you're happy where you're at, don't even think about listening to others around you inviting you to that "partaaaayyyy" or that sophisticated "opera" or that "hangout" that smells like weed and pot. It's a bunch of lies because it's something NEW. Sure, you have the right to try new things, but not at the expense of you losing that deep, inner sense of peace and happiness.

All that, I must now point it directly at me and say, you've got to change. It's been a long time I've been sad and disappointed. It's been too long I've glanced at what others are doing and how others act so that they're happy. Hell, most of it's just an act. All I've got to do is appreciate. That's the only way I'll be happy.