Being "Special"

I guess you could call it puberty. Maybe all the anger that's been pent up in me is just slowly letting itself go as of the moment. I think all the guys in the entire world has this "fuck-i-don't-care" and "i-hate-everything" period where basically anything makes him angry. I guess I'm going through the phase and it's so annoying to have friends and parents who expect better of you.

I'm "gifted." It's really a word to describe a group of people who took an aptitude test in 1st grade and were enrolled in "gifted" classes, which really aren't hard. I got into this gifted shit in 8th grade. Oh, before that I was in a gifted program in Oregon. Yea, my parents were hardcore Asian. They still are. I was a straight A student for 5 years. For 3 of those years, all my grades in all classes for all semesters and trimesters were above 100%. When I got my report card, I gladly ran my little ass up to momma and chirped "look at my grades, momma!". Then she would give me chocolate or something to make me feel like I've done something good. I felt content. But I was shielded and protected as a fucking princess. Snow White. In a boy's body.

When I got to sophomore year of high school, I discovered new things like talking with friends and sports. Yea, I didn't know how to have relationship with a person. It was more like hey, you wanna check answers for that math quiz? I'll meet you at math club. Actually I was pretty competitive so it was more like hey, you wanna check answers for that math quiz meaning your score? I'll share my score with you, but only if you gimme the paper first. Anyways yea. The whole socializing and sport thing was pretty competitive for me. As the firstborn, I was given all the attention in the family and I never learned how to hang in the background. I always had to be in the spotlight even if I wasn't funny or good-looking. So, when I started playing soccer and having this whole high-school social ordeal it was like, I have to be the best. I essentially ignored people who were better than me at soccer, and ignored people who were funnier, better looking and nicer than me. Yea, I was happy but I was a stuck-up bitch.

Now, why am I telling you all this? It probably makes you feel better reading someone's life being turned completely upside down. But the truth is, high school makes you do that. I guess it took a harder hit for me. I was raised in a Christian group called the "Lord's Recovery" and it had this whole notion of being "special". My brothers and sisters in the church told me, yes, you have more truth than most other Christians in the entire world. And that gives you a sense of pride, humanly speaking. It's really hard not to feel any pride when you're 12 and you're told you are special, maybe 1 out of 10,000. That pride combined with my status as "gifted" swelled up my pride to the max. I didn't realize what kind of a douchebag I was until really last year. I guess douchebag isn't the right word. Just someone who doesn't know his place in society.

So imagine this. A kid about the size of a bean with narrow shoulders (with a huge head) comes up to you and tries to be nice to you. In high school, the usual reaction is "Dude, go back to elementary school, twerp." But, being super nice as Interlake High School is, people didn't call me anything. Especially in the gifted group, nobody calls each other names (To "gifted" students, the only authority they have is in the world of education. They realize they're socially awkward so they try to be nice to each other. Yea, they're smart, but they have no social awareness at all.).

That small kid is me. I lived under this illusion that I was nice, I was popular and I was good at sports. My parents, my fellow classmates and my church friends all helped build this fake reality around me.

Last year, in my junior year, the bubble popped. And I was fucking angry.

It turns out that I wasn't very popular and I wasn't good at sports. Being nice is a subjective opinion and thus I will refrain from commenting on the matter. But, it was the truth - I was socially awkward, I wasn't too athletic and I wasn't the smartest guy out there. To me, that was a hard hit. I've lived under this illusion for 16 years. To have that world crumble around me is a huge wake up call. I hated my parents for raising me up that way. I really had no childhood because I was always studying, always trying to get ahead. I can remember no special moment where I spent it with a close friend. It was always in a social gathering of "gifted" students that I had fun. There was no reality there. I grew up in the belief that I was special, that I was the best.

But the fact remains, that I am not. To realize that and have no idea what place in society I'm in, it makes me angry. I rather have been socially awkward in middle and the first half of high school and realize which place in society I am in. My brain is burnt out from doing loads and loads of homework.And to think, here comes college. It's like hell.

And being angry in this "gifted" class I'm in now, it's so annoying. They all live in this fake reality. It's complete bullshit. The only confidence that have is in their brain. They get pleasure from being able to talk faster than other people, from being able to trump you with logic and witty comments. Get over yourself. Give people some respect and listen.

Some people are actually gifted and they deserve respect. But for the most part, being "gifted" and "special" doesn't mean anything. We're all human and we're all in this together.