Step Back.

Not to sound arrogant, but I'm always looking at ways to improve myself. It's more negative than positive because I don't usually correct my faults. I end up going to bed thinking "What could I have done today?" instead of "Wow, I did all that? Good job John!". Hence the reason for all my gray hairs at such a premature age.

Well, to make myself feel better for not working on the AP Statistics Problem, I looked up a person whom I thought acted in a movie, the name of which I can't remember. I randomly guessed that to be Tom Hanks - he wasn't the specific actor I was thinking of, but I read his biography anyway. (Just FYI, autobiographies and biographies are always more interesting than fiction. Human life trumps imagination anyday). Like many great people in the world, Tom grew up in abnormal situations. His parents were divorced and he moved around a lot. He wasn't popular in school and instead of focusing on his studies, he watched film.

I'm the type of person who wouldn't do something without seeing a vision behind it. Of course, I am impulsive, but I'm often pensive about where my life is going. I'm scared. I'm frightened. I don't know who I'm going to be and how I will behave myself in whatever situation. Even if I am successful, I'm paranoid about my status. I have a feeling if I become CEO, I'll quit in a week because I just can't deal with the stress. Stuff like that runs through my head and I can't help but wonder how to great people become great and keep doing great stuff?

It's all about passion. Tom didn't really care about popularity in high school. He loved to watch film so he watched film. When the time came, he went into acting, and through connections, landed in an acting job. I kind of expect my life to play out like that. First, I would find what I love to do. Second, I'd keep doing it no matter what people say. Third, by some stroke of luck I'll land a job or a position. Fourth, by then I'll love what I do so much that I'll spend all my energy on it. Fifth, I'll become an expert and then I'll be considered great.

Of course, life doesn't play that way. You have to fight against desires and balance your life. Often, these great people sacrifice a significant portion of their life to what they love - even family, friends, and money. For me, I'd like to experience that. At 17, I haven't got much to lose. I actually am not pleased with how I'm handling things. In my family, I'm the one who is irresponsible, rebellious, and unconventional. All my friends and family consider me a child, or something other that doesn't deserve respect. I don't give myself respect - often I indulge and I spend. I give myself an excuse - that in good time, all this "wasted" time will add up to something great. But for a while now, I'm slowly realizing that I need to be productive and I actually need to try to become something great. Nothing should be so easy - I hardly spend my energy in homework. Barely on tests. Friends and socializing? Meh, I'm too shy and down-to-earth anyways. Tennis - well, tennis is one of the things I try hard in. But even that becomes childplay sometimes.

When I feel depressed, I keep telling myself, "you burnt yourself out during your childhood". To a certain extent, I did - my schedule from elementary to middle school was 1) school 2) homework 3) home. I admit, the coursework was hard and until 7th grade I spent all my energy on it. But, as the peer pressure caved in, I ended up indulging in games and whatnot. I wanted to experience what was on the other side of the wall. Experience is good, but it won't get you success.

So I guess a summary of all I've written so far is that I'm a crisis. Should I go for the experience or should I shoot for success? I've done both and both have their benefits. Success will get you attention, respect from all those around you, popularity, and a sense of accomplishment. Experience will surprise you and teach you. Maybe down the road, experience might become useful. By the end, experience will be the stronghold for appreciation.

Darn it.