Just can't....do it

I'm pretty tired and irritated. And, these are the thoughts that pour out.

I'm a Christian. I was born and raised as a Christian and despite everything I do, I keep coming back. I'm afraid to venture forth into the world not because my conscience prevents me so, but that I do not know when I will stop. God is like a planet and the universe is the world. How can I, boosted off from a tiny rock in space, come to realize all that the universe is and still have the faith and simple interest in coming back to what is already there on the God-planet? Of course, God is everything and above everything, but still, the world is quicksand, ever so subtle and ever so addicting that once I'm in, I will not know how to climb back up.

I realize I'm questioning the existence and reality of the God I believe in. But I think every believer comes to this crossroad.

The world, right now, holds so much for me. But at the same time, I can tell that I secretly push it away. Any non-Christian person, any thing that is of the world, I smile and get along on the outside, but feel myself alone at the end. It doesn't help that in the local church, there's not many young people I can relate to. Most young Christians, whether Baptist, Pre-bysterian, Evangelical, or whatever is out there - they go to church to belong in a community. A community that receives you as you are. Usually, youth group make sure to retain most of its young people and through many gatherings, meetings and non-religious activities, they create a sort of a special connection between each other. Sadly, the Church in Bellevue lacks this special connection.

There's only two people in my youth group that are my age - one boy and one girl. Both are from Newport and they are incredibly nice. But I can't relate to them.  Most of the high school people left about 2-3 years ago and now there is this new generation of young people in the 12, 13, 14 year old group. 

Meetings are completely useless. There's no point in going to them anymore. I zone out, the serving ones are too timid, and there's no role models for me to follow. A person once said young people need an example, not a voice to follow. And, by the looks of it, there's no one to follow in this damn place. I appreciate the genuine concern the serving ones have for the young people, but seriously, give me a break. Talking to us just doesn't cut it. It's fucking dumb. We sing, no one praises. Stuff like that. Just no enjoyment. And, the stuff the serving ones teach isn't real, it's not applicable. The youth group is doing this year-round bible-reading project on top of the weekly church portions and I'm not on the ball on either of those. We're promised a trip to some destination in the U.S., but as of the moment, I really don't want to go on a long car ride with young people who talk about Angry Birds 24-7. My parents don't care, I don't care. Fuck it. Going to meetings is a chore.

I have senioritis and I'm surrounded by people who don't share what I enjoy. I only have a late curfew but that's it. And being me, I'm inclined to stay at home rather than go out to see what's out there. I'm thinking about getting a job just to fill in the time. I have a few very good friends. Then, young people at the age of 12. Parents who are jump-starting second careers and still holding idealistic visions of the world around them. A cousin who is inconfident. An incredibly annoying internship teacher. "gifted" students.

Deep inside, I know I can turn this situation upside down and be thankful. But how? Following who?

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