too old

i think i'm way too old.

i just feel completely apathetic to anything around me: friends' problems, how i present myself to others, what i'm going to do in life, what i care about and most of all, my grades. It's like I'm already past my youthful prime because all the things that my friends talk about - Starcraft, tvtropes, NBA, other stuff - doesn't interest me at all. I act like I'm interested because I want to just be friends. Working hard at school doesn't interest me, nothing at all interests me. I can lose everything I have and I'll be more or less as content as I am right now.

My present state is just terrible. Maybe because I feel such a way do I sound perhaps too blunt to people. Maybe because I say things that people want to hear do they think I'm immature. All the stuff my friends laugh and joke about, I find it not very funny. Sometimes, it's easier just conversing with an adult than with a friend because I don't find any of the youthful matters too interesting.

Also, I think my principals go against the tide of the age. First, I'm first and foremost a Christian. With that comes all its conservative values. Next, I'm a Korean immigrant. My parents are from very very poor backgrounds (my Mom and Dad both didn't have homes at some points in their lives). They succeeded because they tried and didn't take things for granted. I'm not pitying myself, just extremely mad at myself. I mistook being in PRISM and having my mom take care of everything for me as a chance to indulge in whatever I wanted. With the internet at my fingertips, it was super easy to spend hours, even days on anything I wanted.

All this comes from me receiving my grades for the semester. When you look at my grades over the course of high school, they get consistently worse. (No Cs for more Bs). It's sad because it shows that I've been taking advantage of my parents' resources and time. More importantly, I've been taking advantage of my health (I could've been a lot taller and healthier if I had slept instead of watching those Youtube videos or playing those games.) But, I took comfort in that a lot of my friends did so. I got the impression that everyone stays up late and indulges in whatever they want. There are a few people out there who don't, but most of them do.

So I feel terrible. I myself hate being taken advantage of in any situation, and I feel that me taking advantage of my parents was a terrible thing to do, even if it was something small like using up "homework" time for Youtube or gaming. I've felt this guilt for a long time but I've continued because I was simply too lazy and the things I did were fun. It's amazing how some people do all the things I do, against their parents' wishes, and still not feel guilty. Maybe I'm the anomaly, but I think this is what maturity is. It's time I stopped wasting my time and yes, even if that means I have nothing to talk about with friends. I love my friends. But, it's my fault that I decided to do these things and it's time to stop.

Perhaps my title is named wrongly. Perhaps I'm not too mature or old, but that I just have an especially sensitive conscience to my parents' words. And, when I lie, it shows in my health and my living. I just can't bare living upon guilt. Yes, I could just manage my time better - but I think it's time I started over. It's too hard to start "limiting" myself to less and less indulgence.