Prince of Tennis is the greatest manga series ever. Tennis.
Kyaa, I realize that in return for a highly coveted education and a decidedly stereotypical Asian approach towards life, I've been missing out on the small pleasures of life. I never really got into Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, Dragonball Z, Age of Empires, Halo, street basketball until basically high school. That's why when I get hooked on something, I usually tend to get obsessed about it. For example, I got hooked on this free fps game and I play it 24/7. Actually, 16/6 because of school and church....
So if I progress at this rate, I'll hopefully be playing starcraft II by the time I'm in the senior year of college and be as excited about girls as my friends are now. I really don't hope so...=( The only things I remember from my childhood is practicing my piano, school, and sometimes street basketball. But I don't think I ever did anything just for the heck of it. Even when I was playing flash games behind my mom's back, I was playing to win. Fun? Psh, fun?? I don't think I learned that word until I started playing sudden attack....ahhhh what am I going to do? I'm trying to live my childhood right now, which is a bad idea. I'm going to college where I'll be learning serious stuff and experimenting on super serious stuff like airplanes and sht.
All I can do is trust God....
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Never say Never...man!!
Sex. Violence. Drugs. Things that we don't like to talk about because they're basically the subjects society likes to cover up. On that note, I'd like to delve and explore the abyss (or heavenly rainbow with a golden leprechaun at the end for good measure) that society disgusts, adores, and misunderstand all at the same time - beiber.
For good measure, I'd like to note that Beiber is Canadian and should remain Canadian in order to promote the less-than-supreme, kiddish state that Canada is assumed to be in. Since American word is the law of the world (please stop messing up, yes you, Egypt, and you, Libya), I assume the law is Canada is as never cool as the U.S. and anything related to Canada is just less-than-average. Except for healthcare, but you can always constrain yourself from McDonald :) though I must say, it is inexorably difficult to pull yourself away from those heavenly fries. God, those are good.
The debate goes...1) he's an adorable, lovable, talented singer who happens to be just the right material that teen girls drool upon 2) he's a selfish immature jerk who hasn't matured himself into the music community and the value of hard work. As always, there's always the gray, but it remains very limited in this prompt...and no, gray doesn't count the indifferent.
I'd have to say he's a very good singer but he's somehow different than the previous teenage idols (spears, cyrus (montana), mostly because his voice can't be translated to the the darker side of the musical community. Strangely, he's the only male solo singer idol in the last decade who's as popular as he is at such an age. And, he's doing a good job of maintaining his clean-cut, preppy image. It fits his style, his voice. Even when the possibly crude rappers enter his songs, it never is too explicit for the 14u ears. I must tread on my toes however as previous idols have walked on the same path only to diverge into the fiery pits of sexual imagery. Except Taylor Swift. She is an angel.
in conclusion, he's a doll. if his voicebox was implanted in the body of the Mr. Efron i would reconsider listening. please, beiber, no more acting....
For good measure, I'd like to note that Beiber is Canadian and should remain Canadian in order to promote the less-than-supreme, kiddish state that Canada is assumed to be in. Since American word is the law of the world (please stop messing up, yes you, Egypt, and you, Libya), I assume the law is Canada is as never cool as the U.S. and anything related to Canada is just less-than-average. Except for healthcare, but you can always constrain yourself from McDonald :) though I must say, it is inexorably difficult to pull yourself away from those heavenly fries. God, those are good.
The debate goes...1) he's an adorable, lovable, talented singer who happens to be just the right material that teen girls drool upon 2) he's a selfish immature jerk who hasn't matured himself into the music community and the value of hard work. As always, there's always the gray, but it remains very limited in this prompt...and no, gray doesn't count the indifferent.
I'd have to say he's a very good singer but he's somehow different than the previous teenage idols (spears, cyrus (montana), mostly because his voice can't be translated to the the darker side of the musical community. Strangely, he's the only male solo singer idol in the last decade who's as popular as he is at such an age. And, he's doing a good job of maintaining his clean-cut, preppy image. It fits his style, his voice. Even when the possibly crude rappers enter his songs, it never is too explicit for the 14u ears. I must tread on my toes however as previous idols have walked on the same path only to diverge into the fiery pits of sexual imagery. Except Taylor Swift. She is an angel.
in conclusion, he's a doll. if his voicebox was implanted in the body of the Mr. Efron i would reconsider listening. please, beiber, no more acting....
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
my first college interview!
I had my first college interview today and in summary, it was a wonderful time, talking with a very intellectual and genuinely nice person. She is a professor of medicine at the UW and she was very accepting of me, despite my nervousness. It was incredibly fun just to talk with her and I realized that if this was the type of person who exemplifies Dartmouth College, I definitely want to be part of it.
However, it was inevitable that I feel regret after my interview. I realized after she talked about the numerous number of outdoor activities at Dartmouth, the small-town feel of the college, the beautiful scenery, the gorgeous weather in Hanover, I couldn't help feel that on record, I was inadequate for such a high-level college. What kind of an Ivy League school admits a student with less than a 4.0 GPA? I can feel the pangs of regret and I wish I would have been a little bit more mature about my choices in high school. Dartmouth is like heaven for me: friendly, small-town, outdoorsy. I wish that I had applied to more liberal arts schools than just Dartmouth in the New England area.
But alas, there's not point in regretting because the present keeps arriving even if I am stuck in the past. Whatever college I go to, I'm sure I'll find a way to adapt. Did you know there's a ski-slope dedicated just for Dartmouth?! How convenient/cool is that
However, it was inevitable that I feel regret after my interview. I realized after she talked about the numerous number of outdoor activities at Dartmouth, the small-town feel of the college, the beautiful scenery, the gorgeous weather in Hanover, I couldn't help feel that on record, I was inadequate for such a high-level college. What kind of an Ivy League school admits a student with less than a 4.0 GPA? I can feel the pangs of regret and I wish I would have been a little bit more mature about my choices in high school. Dartmouth is like heaven for me: friendly, small-town, outdoorsy. I wish that I had applied to more liberal arts schools than just Dartmouth in the New England area.
But alas, there's not point in regretting because the present keeps arriving even if I am stuck in the past. Whatever college I go to, I'm sure I'll find a way to adapt. Did you know there's a ski-slope dedicated just for Dartmouth?! How convenient/cool is that
Thursday, February 10, 2011
yahyah
I'm so tired today I don't have the energy to post a full post. So, I'm going to leave with a question: Are you more mature when you are poor? Does economic status determine the level of your wisdom and "real", non-academic, knowledge?
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
too old
i think i'm way too old.
i just feel completely apathetic to anything around me: friends' problems, how i present myself to others, what i'm going to do in life, what i care about and most of all, my grades. It's like I'm already past my youthful prime because all the things that my friends talk about - Starcraft, tvtropes, NBA, other stuff - doesn't interest me at all. I act like I'm interested because I want to just be friends. Working hard at school doesn't interest me, nothing at all interests me. I can lose everything I have and I'll be more or less as content as I am right now.
My present state is just terrible. Maybe because I feel such a way do I sound perhaps too blunt to people. Maybe because I say things that people want to hear do they think I'm immature. All the stuff my friends laugh and joke about, I find it not very funny. Sometimes, it's easier just conversing with an adult than with a friend because I don't find any of the youthful matters too interesting.
Also, I think my principals go against the tide of the age. First, I'm first and foremost a Christian. With that comes all its conservative values. Next, I'm a Korean immigrant. My parents are from very very poor backgrounds (my Mom and Dad both didn't have homes at some points in their lives). They succeeded because they tried and didn't take things for granted. I'm not pitying myself, just extremely mad at myself. I mistook being in PRISM and having my mom take care of everything for me as a chance to indulge in whatever I wanted. With the internet at my fingertips, it was super easy to spend hours, even days on anything I wanted.
All this comes from me receiving my grades for the semester. When you look at my grades over the course of high school, they get consistently worse. (No Cs for more Bs). It's sad because it shows that I've been taking advantage of my parents' resources and time. More importantly, I've been taking advantage of my health (I could've been a lot taller and healthier if I had slept instead of watching those Youtube videos or playing those games.) But, I took comfort in that a lot of my friends did so. I got the impression that everyone stays up late and indulges in whatever they want. There are a few people out there who don't, but most of them do.
So I feel terrible. I myself hate being taken advantage of in any situation, and I feel that me taking advantage of my parents was a terrible thing to do, even if it was something small like using up "homework" time for Youtube or gaming. I've felt this guilt for a long time but I've continued because I was simply too lazy and the things I did were fun. It's amazing how some people do all the things I do, against their parents' wishes, and still not feel guilty. Maybe I'm the anomaly, but I think this is what maturity is. It's time I stopped wasting my time and yes, even if that means I have nothing to talk about with friends. I love my friends. But, it's my fault that I decided to do these things and it's time to stop.
Perhaps my title is named wrongly. Perhaps I'm not too mature or old, but that I just have an especially sensitive conscience to my parents' words. And, when I lie, it shows in my health and my living. I just can't bare living upon guilt. Yes, I could just manage my time better - but I think it's time I started over. It's too hard to start "limiting" myself to less and less indulgence.
i just feel completely apathetic to anything around me: friends' problems, how i present myself to others, what i'm going to do in life, what i care about and most of all, my grades. It's like I'm already past my youthful prime because all the things that my friends talk about - Starcraft, tvtropes, NBA, other stuff - doesn't interest me at all. I act like I'm interested because I want to just be friends. Working hard at school doesn't interest me, nothing at all interests me. I can lose everything I have and I'll be more or less as content as I am right now.
My present state is just terrible. Maybe because I feel such a way do I sound perhaps too blunt to people. Maybe because I say things that people want to hear do they think I'm immature. All the stuff my friends laugh and joke about, I find it not very funny. Sometimes, it's easier just conversing with an adult than with a friend because I don't find any of the youthful matters too interesting.
Also, I think my principals go against the tide of the age. First, I'm first and foremost a Christian. With that comes all its conservative values. Next, I'm a Korean immigrant. My parents are from very very poor backgrounds (my Mom and Dad both didn't have homes at some points in their lives). They succeeded because they tried and didn't take things for granted. I'm not pitying myself, just extremely mad at myself. I mistook being in PRISM and having my mom take care of everything for me as a chance to indulge in whatever I wanted. With the internet at my fingertips, it was super easy to spend hours, even days on anything I wanted.
All this comes from me receiving my grades for the semester. When you look at my grades over the course of high school, they get consistently worse. (No Cs for more Bs). It's sad because it shows that I've been taking advantage of my parents' resources and time. More importantly, I've been taking advantage of my health (I could've been a lot taller and healthier if I had slept instead of watching those Youtube videos or playing those games.) But, I took comfort in that a lot of my friends did so. I got the impression that everyone stays up late and indulges in whatever they want. There are a few people out there who don't, but most of them do.
So I feel terrible. I myself hate being taken advantage of in any situation, and I feel that me taking advantage of my parents was a terrible thing to do, even if it was something small like using up "homework" time for Youtube or gaming. I've felt this guilt for a long time but I've continued because I was simply too lazy and the things I did were fun. It's amazing how some people do all the things I do, against their parents' wishes, and still not feel guilty. Maybe I'm the anomaly, but I think this is what maturity is. It's time I stopped wasting my time and yes, even if that means I have nothing to talk about with friends. I love my friends. But, it's my fault that I decided to do these things and it's time to stop.
Perhaps my title is named wrongly. Perhaps I'm not too mature or old, but that I just have an especially sensitive conscience to my parents' words. And, when I lie, it shows in my health and my living. I just can't bare living upon guilt. Yes, I could just manage my time better - but I think it's time I started over. It's too hard to start "limiting" myself to less and less indulgence.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
First post
So my dear friend D invited me into this blog battle, which at first I didn't like the sound of. First, it really isn't a battle more of a friendly rivalry to keep each other blogging and writing creatively and second, battling online makes me think of swords and kamehamehas that gets me too excited. I think in order to write creatively, you kind of have to get into this pensive mode, a sort of open consciousness that requires a person to not be jittery. So, I would rather call it a rivalry. Kind of like Federer and Nadal, which I think is the greatest rivalry to ever and will exist in the history of all athletic events.
Pensive thought.
Now for the real meat of the post today: swearing. My dear friend M told me today that he never swears and I couldn't help but notice the uniqueness of his status. He tells me that only when he does things that matter to him, like baseball, does he whisper the F-bombs and S-words (which he hates). But, in any other situation, his mouth can't physically utter the words that are common these days. I thought about this, and I realized that swear words have become so commonplace these days, as if they're a key to deeper thinking or something...I couldn't disagree more. I really think there's a certain respect that you can hold yourself to, and swearing is one of them. If you don't swear, you keep that one boundary that you could've broken. Of course, life is about breaking boundaries and reaching out and experiencing the unknown - still, swearing is just unnecessary. I saw the King's Speech on Sunday and one of the methods by which King George VI got to have confidence in himself was by crossing that line of swearing. F--- F--- F--- F--- F--- F--- F--- F--- F--- F--- F--- F--- F--- he would utter. I do agree there's a certain pleasure and low-level confidence you gain from that but it's not necessary to utter vulgar words unless you are literally afraid of your own shadow. If you are, then swearing is only one way you can get rid of your psychological barrier. But most of us aren't. Swearing is just "cool" in today's society and it's pretty much a social norm to say vulgar words every once in a while. I wholeheartedly disagree, even though I've said some swear words before.
It's not to say that not swearing makes you "above" other people. No, first and foremost it's a personal respect you give yourself. Perhaps secondly you may consider yourself more righteous and holy than other worldly muggles but that's just being a stuck-up bugger.
Pensive thought.
Now for the real meat of the post today: swearing. My dear friend M told me today that he never swears and I couldn't help but notice the uniqueness of his status. He tells me that only when he does things that matter to him, like baseball, does he whisper the F-bombs and S-words (which he hates). But, in any other situation, his mouth can't physically utter the words that are common these days. I thought about this, and I realized that swear words have become so commonplace these days, as if they're a key to deeper thinking or something...I couldn't disagree more. I really think there's a certain respect that you can hold yourself to, and swearing is one of them. If you don't swear, you keep that one boundary that you could've broken. Of course, life is about breaking boundaries and reaching out and experiencing the unknown - still, swearing is just unnecessary. I saw the King's Speech on Sunday and one of the methods by which King George VI got to have confidence in himself was by crossing that line of swearing. F--- F--- F--- F--- F--- F--- F--- F--- F--- F--- F--- F--- F--- he would utter. I do agree there's a certain pleasure and low-level confidence you gain from that but it's not necessary to utter vulgar words unless you are literally afraid of your own shadow. If you are, then swearing is only one way you can get rid of your psychological barrier. But most of us aren't. Swearing is just "cool" in today's society and it's pretty much a social norm to say vulgar words every once in a while. I wholeheartedly disagree, even though I've said some swear words before.
It's not to say that not swearing makes you "above" other people. No, first and foremost it's a personal respect you give yourself. Perhaps secondly you may consider yourself more righteous and holy than other worldly muggles but that's just being a stuck-up bugger.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
delving into some deepness
so I heard my mom say "you're not mature" today.
I know I'm not, but it just discourages me so much to hear that. I'm the firstborn so I kinda have to be the mature one, but I'm just not. I don't even know what maturity is. It probably has a lot to do with my mother's perception of what maturity is. Regardless, my suspicions conclude that maturity is:
1. Able to take care of oneself by a) sleeping adequately b) recovering from indulgence c) eating healthily.
2. Taking care of what's important first. Need comes before desire. So in my parents' view: grades and school come before exercise and personal fitness.
3. Able to be non-dramatic and still maintain friends.
I agree with most of them. I just have a problem with the first two because I have a tendency to indulge and not thinking of myself in the process. I indulge, blame myself for it, keep digging myself in guilt until someone notices and shouts at me to stop thinking about the past. I indulge and indulge and sleep becomes to have no importance. I should really really change that because sleep is probably the most important thing in my life right now. I just have to remind myself that days go on and it's not the end of the world if I don't do this or that today.
I also have to realize what is important and do that first before I do what I want. Like right now, I should be doing some sort of a scholarship application or working on my homework. Instead, I'm writing about how I should improve my life on a public blog. So...I will go now.
I know I'm not, but it just discourages me so much to hear that. I'm the firstborn so I kinda have to be the mature one, but I'm just not. I don't even know what maturity is. It probably has a lot to do with my mother's perception of what maturity is. Regardless, my suspicions conclude that maturity is:
1. Able to take care of oneself by a) sleeping adequately b) recovering from indulgence c) eating healthily.
2. Taking care of what's important first. Need comes before desire. So in my parents' view: grades and school come before exercise and personal fitness.
3. Able to be non-dramatic and still maintain friends.
I agree with most of them. I just have a problem with the first two because I have a tendency to indulge and not thinking of myself in the process. I indulge, blame myself for it, keep digging myself in guilt until someone notices and shouts at me to stop thinking about the past. I indulge and indulge and sleep becomes to have no importance. I should really really change that because sleep is probably the most important thing in my life right now. I just have to remind myself that days go on and it's not the end of the world if I don't do this or that today.
I also have to realize what is important and do that first before I do what I want. Like right now, I should be doing some sort of a scholarship application or working on my homework. Instead, I'm writing about how I should improve my life on a public blog. So...I will go now.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Tradition and Change
GD & TOP. The greatest album ever.
Two rappers going at it with their heart and soul and nobody there to stop them.
Awesome beats and charismatic voices = love.
Big Bang could be my most favorite band ever. They're so genuine - they love music. I can tell through their voice and the way they treat their music, both in recording and on stage. All of them are so different.
Daesung - overly cute, incredible vocal range. Smooth, smooth tone.
Taeyang - insane dancing skills with a soul voice. Black korean.
TOP - insanely good looking, unique voice and able to pronounce English words.
GD - ahead of the fashion curve, passionate, cute, honest and genius/talent at music.
Seungri - ambitious to the point of annoyance, but confident.
When they're together, it's pretty amazing - they can create any type of music and it'll be awesome. GD and TOP announced that they're returning to their original image and music that they produced before the 2.5 year hiatus and I'm pretty excited for that. Haru haru anyone? Sunset Glow?
But, I also realize that I'm at fault for disliking change so much. Change is incredibly distrustful because it goes against control. Even in things we like - we like what we like because we've been liking it for a long time. When I first listened to GD & TOP, I spewed vulgar words at it because I hated change. Now, it's my favorite album of all time. I guess change is good. Vote for Obama for 2014! Seriously, America needs change.
Two rappers going at it with their heart and soul and nobody there to stop them.
Awesome beats and charismatic voices = love.
Big Bang could be my most favorite band ever. They're so genuine - they love music. I can tell through their voice and the way they treat their music, both in recording and on stage. All of them are so different.
Daesung - overly cute, incredible vocal range. Smooth, smooth tone.
Taeyang - insane dancing skills with a soul voice. Black korean.
TOP - insanely good looking, unique voice and able to pronounce English words.
GD - ahead of the fashion curve, passionate, cute, honest and genius/talent at music.
Seungri - ambitious to the point of annoyance, but confident.
When they're together, it's pretty amazing - they can create any type of music and it'll be awesome. GD and TOP announced that they're returning to their original image and music that they produced before the 2.5 year hiatus and I'm pretty excited for that. Haru haru anyone? Sunset Glow?
But, I also realize that I'm at fault for disliking change so much. Change is incredibly distrustful because it goes against control. Even in things we like - we like what we like because we've been liking it for a long time. When I first listened to GD & TOP, I spewed vulgar words at it because I hated change. Now, it's my favorite album of all time. I guess change is good. Vote for Obama for 2014! Seriously, America needs change.
Long term memory and the withering vine of youth
In the midst of me copying down the psych presentations down in my journal, I find that here's definitely thing I can learn. For example, that it's easier for me to recall information if it is over-learned(Bahrick, Bahrick and wittlinger). As I think about it, the only way I was confident enough for exams in the past was if I over-learned them. Without that it was impossible to get As. Now, as I'm older, it's very very hard for me to over-learn. Due to the fact that I don't have as much time and that the information doesn't enter my brain as smoothly. I've also thought that doing well on tests had to with being confident in what you learn, but see, over-learning encourages confidence. Maybe if I am inherently confident I wont have to study as much and still do well o tests!! How efficient that would be.
I have doubts if I'll ever be able to store as much and detailed info into my long term memory as I've done in the past. I don't think I'll ever remember stuff I've learned this year, or last year. Or, maybe I'm just not conscious of the fact that I know the info and I panic because I want to be conscious of my knowledge.
Ahh psychology is getting to me.
I have doubts if I'll ever be able to store as much and detailed info into my long term memory as I've done in the past. I don't think I'll ever remember stuff I've learned this year, or last year. Or, maybe I'm just not conscious of the fact that I know the info and I panic because I want to be conscious of my knowledge.
Ahh psychology is getting to me.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Words of Wisdom
Very short post:
As I'm completing my scholarship application I run head to head with my Dad. Part of the application requires a recommender to say stuff about me. I think of a guy that I've known for a long time - he's nice, he's cool, and he has had an ok position under Microsoft. My dad says the most important part of the application is the recommender's status in business - you know, if he's a ceo, project manager, some high position like that.
I might be naive or maybe I'm just a different breed, but I just disagree with the notion that I should appeal to people with more power so that I can get favors. This is just what business life is and right now, I have 0 tolerance for people who work in corporate businesses. Everything is a lie and talent gets squished under this massive hierarchy of people who have the smart mouth and the sly personality to get what they want.
But I guess as I enter college and the entire world looms before me, I need to put myself out there. I need to believe that I'm living hard, that what I'm doing is right, or at least justified. Otherwise, I'm going to get nowhere - not even just financially, but any other way possible.
As I'm completing my scholarship application I run head to head with my Dad. Part of the application requires a recommender to say stuff about me. I think of a guy that I've known for a long time - he's nice, he's cool, and he has had an ok position under Microsoft. My dad says the most important part of the application is the recommender's status in business - you know, if he's a ceo, project manager, some high position like that.
I might be naive or maybe I'm just a different breed, but I just disagree with the notion that I should appeal to people with more power so that I can get favors. This is just what business life is and right now, I have 0 tolerance for people who work in corporate businesses. Everything is a lie and talent gets squished under this massive hierarchy of people who have the smart mouth and the sly personality to get what they want.
But I guess as I enter college and the entire world looms before me, I need to put myself out there. I need to believe that I'm living hard, that what I'm doing is right, or at least justified. Otherwise, I'm going to get nowhere - not even just financially, but any other way possible.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
i have no idea what this title should be.
Just some interesting topics I've been thinking about...
- Introspection
I've been talking to a good friend of mine about life in general, and one thing stuck out to me: that I think too much. I internalize situations and events so much that in reality, I get nowhere. Life really doesn't require too much thinking: it's mostly about the experiences and emotions. Thinking only gets you success - critical thinking at best. But generally thinking about everything and every thought you have had gets you absolutely nowhere. I've also found that music is a really good way to close yourself off from the world and entrance you in the thinking stage. Music is very good and appropriate in certain situations but most of the time, it closes you off, it makes you think. For me, thinking gets me usually depressed and thus if you connect it logically, music -> thinking -> depression. I think I get depressed because I think about myself too much. Even in conversation, I'm the one usually thinking how I can reply to stuff, not what other people are thinking about. In that aspect, I'm a egotistical bastard but hey, isn't everyone? Thus, I resolve to listen to what other people say and converse. There is a big difference between conversing and responding.
- Happiness
One crucial thing I experienced was that when I'm not happy, I'm point all the bad things that has happened to me. I like to take responsibility for a lot of things, but to grow in life, that's not necessary. Life is about self-growth after all (But interestingly, half of the self-growth is about other people, in caring, helping, listening and loving other people). I can only reach happiness when I don't compare myself to other people. There's no need and there's no benefit to it. So, why do I do it? Why do I compare my assets to that of other people as if assets were grades? Oh I'm pretty good at throwing the frisbee but that guy has this crazy wind-up. Even social aspects like conversing, I sometimes compare myself to other people. Wow, that guy has a really smooth mouth and way of talking. This may sound stupid, but I'm pretty sure everyone's done that before. Comparison gets you nowhere. Believe in oneself is the only thing that will lead to self-confidence, growth, and success anywhere.
In relation to this topic is the matter of opinions. Previously, I always held down my own opinions because I thought they weren't valid. I was wrong. Expressing opinions is probably the only thing that makes each of us unique. All we say are opinions. So withholding what I have is detrimental, almost. Expressing opinions isn't bad - putting down other's opinions as of less worth or even less "valid" is what's terrible.
I have just read over what I've written and I made almost 0 sense. Almost. Some things are better experienced than said
- Introspection
I've been talking to a good friend of mine about life in general, and one thing stuck out to me: that I think too much. I internalize situations and events so much that in reality, I get nowhere. Life really doesn't require too much thinking: it's mostly about the experiences and emotions. Thinking only gets you success - critical thinking at best. But generally thinking about everything and every thought you have had gets you absolutely nowhere. I've also found that music is a really good way to close yourself off from the world and entrance you in the thinking stage. Music is very good and appropriate in certain situations but most of the time, it closes you off, it makes you think. For me, thinking gets me usually depressed and thus if you connect it logically, music -> thinking -> depression. I think I get depressed because I think about myself too much. Even in conversation, I'm the one usually thinking how I can reply to stuff, not what other people are thinking about. In that aspect, I'm a egotistical bastard but hey, isn't everyone? Thus, I resolve to listen to what other people say and converse. There is a big difference between conversing and responding.
- Happiness
One crucial thing I experienced was that when I'm not happy, I'm point all the bad things that has happened to me. I like to take responsibility for a lot of things, but to grow in life, that's not necessary. Life is about self-growth after all (But interestingly, half of the self-growth is about other people, in caring, helping, listening and loving other people). I can only reach happiness when I don't compare myself to other people. There's no need and there's no benefit to it. So, why do I do it? Why do I compare my assets to that of other people as if assets were grades? Oh I'm pretty good at throwing the frisbee but that guy has this crazy wind-up. Even social aspects like conversing, I sometimes compare myself to other people. Wow, that guy has a really smooth mouth and way of talking. This may sound stupid, but I'm pretty sure everyone's done that before. Comparison gets you nowhere. Believe in oneself is the only thing that will lead to self-confidence, growth, and success anywhere.
In relation to this topic is the matter of opinions. Previously, I always held down my own opinions because I thought they weren't valid. I was wrong. Expressing opinions is probably the only thing that makes each of us unique. All we say are opinions. So withholding what I have is detrimental, almost. Expressing opinions isn't bad - putting down other's opinions as of less worth or even less "valid" is what's terrible.
I have just read over what I've written and I made almost 0 sense. Almost. Some things are better experienced than said
Monday, January 3, 2011
Just can't....do it
I'm pretty tired and irritated. And, these are the thoughts that pour out.
I'm a Christian. I was born and raised as a Christian and despite everything I do, I keep coming back. I'm afraid to venture forth into the world not because my conscience prevents me so, but that I do not know when I will stop. God is like a planet and the universe is the world. How can I, boosted off from a tiny rock in space, come to realize all that the universe is and still have the faith and simple interest in coming back to what is already there on the God-planet? Of course, God is everything and above everything, but still, the world is quicksand, ever so subtle and ever so addicting that once I'm in, I will not know how to climb back up.
I realize I'm questioning the existence and reality of the God I believe in. But I think every believer comes to this crossroad.
The world, right now, holds so much for me. But at the same time, I can tell that I secretly push it away. Any non-Christian person, any thing that is of the world, I smile and get along on the outside, but feel myself alone at the end. It doesn't help that in the local church, there's not many young people I can relate to. Most young Christians, whether Baptist, Pre-bysterian, Evangelical, or whatever is out there - they go to church to belong in a community. A community that receives you as you are. Usually, youth group make sure to retain most of its young people and through many gatherings, meetings and non-religious activities, they create a sort of a special connection between each other. Sadly, the Church in Bellevue lacks this special connection.
There's only two people in my youth group that are my age - one boy and one girl. Both are from Newport and they are incredibly nice. But I can't relate to them. Most of the high school people left about 2-3 years ago and now there is this new generation of young people in the 12, 13, 14 year old group.
Meetings are completely useless. There's no point in going to them anymore. I zone out, the serving ones are too timid, and there's no role models for me to follow. A person once said young people need an example, not a voice to follow. And, by the looks of it, there's no one to follow in this damn place. I appreciate the genuine concern the serving ones have for the young people, but seriously, give me a break. Talking to us just doesn't cut it. It's fucking dumb. We sing, no one praises. Stuff like that. Just no enjoyment. And, the stuff the serving ones teach isn't real, it's not applicable. The youth group is doing this year-round bible-reading project on top of the weekly church portions and I'm not on the ball on either of those. We're promised a trip to some destination in the U.S., but as of the moment, I really don't want to go on a long car ride with young people who talk about Angry Birds 24-7. My parents don't care, I don't care. Fuck it. Going to meetings is a chore.
I have senioritis and I'm surrounded by people who don't share what I enjoy. I only have a late curfew but that's it. And being me, I'm inclined to stay at home rather than go out to see what's out there. I'm thinking about getting a job just to fill in the time. I have a few very good friends. Then, young people at the age of 12. Parents who are jump-starting second careers and still holding idealistic visions of the world around them. A cousin who is inconfident. An incredibly annoying internship teacher. "gifted" students.
Deep inside, I know I can turn this situation upside down and be thankful. But how? Following who?
asdf
I'm a Christian. I was born and raised as a Christian and despite everything I do, I keep coming back. I'm afraid to venture forth into the world not because my conscience prevents me so, but that I do not know when I will stop. God is like a planet and the universe is the world. How can I, boosted off from a tiny rock in space, come to realize all that the universe is and still have the faith and simple interest in coming back to what is already there on the God-planet? Of course, God is everything and above everything, but still, the world is quicksand, ever so subtle and ever so addicting that once I'm in, I will not know how to climb back up.
I realize I'm questioning the existence and reality of the God I believe in. But I think every believer comes to this crossroad.
The world, right now, holds so much for me. But at the same time, I can tell that I secretly push it away. Any non-Christian person, any thing that is of the world, I smile and get along on the outside, but feel myself alone at the end. It doesn't help that in the local church, there's not many young people I can relate to. Most young Christians, whether Baptist, Pre-bysterian, Evangelical, or whatever is out there - they go to church to belong in a community. A community that receives you as you are. Usually, youth group make sure to retain most of its young people and through many gatherings, meetings and non-religious activities, they create a sort of a special connection between each other. Sadly, the Church in Bellevue lacks this special connection.
There's only two people in my youth group that are my age - one boy and one girl. Both are from Newport and they are incredibly nice. But I can't relate to them. Most of the high school people left about 2-3 years ago and now there is this new generation of young people in the 12, 13, 14 year old group.
Meetings are completely useless. There's no point in going to them anymore. I zone out, the serving ones are too timid, and there's no role models for me to follow. A person once said young people need an example, not a voice to follow. And, by the looks of it, there's no one to follow in this damn place. I appreciate the genuine concern the serving ones have for the young people, but seriously, give me a break. Talking to us just doesn't cut it. It's fucking dumb. We sing, no one praises. Stuff like that. Just no enjoyment. And, the stuff the serving ones teach isn't real, it's not applicable. The youth group is doing this year-round bible-reading project on top of the weekly church portions and I'm not on the ball on either of those. We're promised a trip to some destination in the U.S., but as of the moment, I really don't want to go on a long car ride with young people who talk about Angry Birds 24-7. My parents don't care, I don't care. Fuck it. Going to meetings is a chore.
I have senioritis and I'm surrounded by people who don't share what I enjoy. I only have a late curfew but that's it. And being me, I'm inclined to stay at home rather than go out to see what's out there. I'm thinking about getting a job just to fill in the time. I have a few very good friends. Then, young people at the age of 12. Parents who are jump-starting second careers and still holding idealistic visions of the world around them. A cousin who is inconfident. An incredibly annoying internship teacher. "gifted" students.
Deep inside, I know I can turn this situation upside down and be thankful. But how? Following who?
asdf
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)